Over and over my mom has talked about the many things happening to her body that are happening because, in some way, her body is not still living (even though, in another way, these are all signs of life): her nails growing, the hair on her legs growing, her organs (eyes, colon) failing, and so on. She’ll say its not worth going to see this doctor or that one to try to seek help because the problems will just keep moving throughout her body - and eventually, they’ll stop. She doesn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere because she doesn’t want to be seen in the shape she is in - the shape of a dead person. She doesn’t want to wash her hair because, one more wash, and it will all fall out.
Last week I went to visit her on Rosh Hashanah with my partner. I brought her apple and honey so she could celebrate the new year with us - even if from this compromised place. She has started a new drug and in some meaningful ways, I have seen some improvements: she told me she was bored. I was stunned. For her to be bored means her mind would have to pause its endless looping of ruminations for long enough for curiosity, interest, boredom, to appear. I was very happy to hear this.
Also, she read a book. A whole book, in a weekend. She hasn’t read in a year. She has said her eyes don’t work, they’ll stop working in a few days, she can’t read headlines etc. She read a book. She doesn’t yet feel these gains though: I asked her about the book and she said that, yes, last weekend she read a book, but by next week she won’t be able to see, so it was the last one. I told her, I thought it was great and hoped her vision didn’t degrade so fast and she could read another.
She enjoyed the apples and honey. She expressed gratitude for the sweet treat, saying it made her feel like she was able to celebrate even a little. Last year Rosh Hashanah marks the start of my moms depression, from my standpoint. We went to services together but she wanted to leave early and miss some of her favorite songs - something I’ve never known her to want. We met my cousin for lunch later and she was consumed by her thoughts. She tried to tell him what was going on, and he tried to assure her it would pass…but she was already so lost in those thoughts. With a couple weeks we had learned more than anyone should have to about IOP (intensive outpatient programs), residential, and in-patient treatment facilities.
My new year prayer is that something in this recovery attaches for her, something she can hold onto, and that some light appears, that she may walk into. I pray for that for her as well as myself.